Loving the People Closest to Us the Jesus Way
Part 2 of “When ‘Love Languages’ Miss the Deeper Need”
When was the last time someone close to you told you something that surprised you simply because you finally asked?
You may know your spouse’s routines, recognize your child’s expressions, or finish a close friend’s sentences. You may work alongside someone on your ministry team every week. But do you really know what has been weighing on them lately? What they’re praying through? Where they feel discouraged, stretched, or alone?
Sharing everyday life gives us familiarity. Understanding one another requires continued attention.
Sometimes we stop asking questions because we’re rushing through the day. We have responsibilities to manage, places to be, and things to finish. When people look to us for care and leadership, their needs can fill our attention. We can spend an entire day listening to people and still come home with very little attention left for our family. We can meet with our team every week and know exactly how the work is going while knowing very little about how the people doing it are holding up.
Familiarity fills in the blanks, and we assume we already know. Yet the people we think we know so well still have things we haven’t heard, understood, or thought to ask about.
How might slowing down help us love them more like Jesus?
Recently, the Holy Spirit has been prompting me to consider that in my own marriage and to be more present and curious about what Dane is experiencing.
Dane and I have been in each other’s lives for more than half our lives. With that much shared history, it’s easy to assume I already know what he’s thinking, how he’s feeling, or why he’s responding a certain way. I can let what I know about him take the place of listening to him today.
Any of us can fall into that trap. I know I can. And I’m learning that what the Lord is showing me in my marriage applies to other relationships too. I can assume I know what my child is about to say, that a close friend will tell me if something is wrong, or that the person who always comes through for our team is doing fine. Asking, listening, and responding with compassion are everyday opportunities to express the love of Jesus to the people closest to us.
Looking Beyond the Way We Prefer to Be Loved
In “When ‘Love Languages’ Miss the Deeper Need,” we explored how our preferences for receiving love can offer insight into our hearts. Sometimes they reflect what we enjoy. Other times, they point toward earlier wounds, unmet longings, or expectations we have carried into our relationships.
Understanding those preferences can help us care for one another. As followers of Jesus, we look to Him to understand what love is and how to practice it.
Jesus told His disciples, “Just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another” (John 13:34, ESV).
Knowing what makes someone feel loved can help us seek their good with the compassion, humility, truth, and faithfulness Jesus has shown us. Their feelings matter. Their story matters. Loving them faithfully means continuing to discover what they’re carrying today, even when their response seems familiar.
The Gospel Changes Where Love Begins
The gospel begins with God moving toward us in our sin and helplessness. “But God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8, ESV). Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, we receive forgiveness, reconciliation with God, and new life.
Pause for a moment and reflect on these two questions.
How deeply do you know that you are loved by God?
How willing are you to receive His love? What would it look like to trust His forgiveness, accept His grace, and rest in what Christ has done?
We can know that God loves us and still struggle to live as someone who is loved. We may keep striving to prove our worth, withdraw in shame when we fail, or look to the people closest to us for reassurance that we matter. In ministry, that striving can show up as feeling we always have to be available or measuring our worth by how much we do for others.
When receiving God’s love is difficult, it can affect how we give and receive love. We may serve to earn affection, keep score, or struggle to extend the grace we have difficulty accepting ourselves.
“We love because he first loved us” (1 John 4:19, ESV).
Learning to receive His love is foundational to learning to love like Him. As we bring our fears, failures, and expectations before the Lord, we learn to rest in the love He has freely given us through Christ. From that place, we can acknowledge our failures, repent, forgive, and serve with greater freedom because Christ is at work in us.
As we learn to trust Christ with our worth, we can become more attentive to the people around us, more willing to take responsibility, and more generous in how we care. The love we receive from Him begins to shape what we do at home and how we lead.
Jesus Slowed Down and Paid Attention
Consider for a moment how Jesus noticed people and moved toward their suffering.
He stopped for Bartimaeus when others wanted him silenced and asked what he wanted Him to do (Mark 10:46–52).
He made room for the woman who touched His garment to tell what had happened to her (Mark 5:25–34).
He wept with those grieving Lazarus (John 11:33–35).
His compassion reached people in the circumstances they were actually facing. We have opportunities to practice that same attentiveness. Yet familiarity can lead us to notice our spouse’s short response and miss the exhaustion. We may see our child withdraw and assume we know why. We may notice that someone on our team missed a deadline and go straight to discussing the work without asking what’s been happening for them.
Slowing down can begin with something very ordinary. Put your phone away, turn toward the person in front of you, and ask, “What has been heavy for you lately?” Then allow enough silence for an honest answer.
“Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger” (James 1:19, ESV).
That instruction becomes practical when we resist preparing our defense while someone is still talking. With our children, it may mean hearing them out before offering a lesson. With someone we lead, it may mean asking how a decision affected them and giving them room to answer honestly, especially if we made the decision.
You might say, “Thank you for telling me. I didn’t realize you were carrying that.” You can also ask, “Would you like me to listen a little longer, or is there something practical I can do?”
Jesus Made Love Practical
In John 13, Jesus washed His disciples’ feet. He took the position of a servant and attended to an ordinary physical need. Then He told them to follow His example.
Listening helps us understand how to respond. If our spouse is overwhelmed, compassion may lead us to take responsibility for dinner, bedtime, an appointment, or a task we have repeatedly left unfinished. If a close friend is grieving, it may mean sitting beside them and making room for sorrow. If someone on our team is stretched thin, it may mean looking together at what can wait, what can be shared, and what we can take responsibility for ourselves.
“Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians 6:2, ESV).
Bearing a burden often requires inconvenience. We adjust our plans, share responsibility, and follow through. We also remain attentive to what the person has actually asked for. The help that feels easiest for us to offer may differ from the help they need.
If I’ve left my spouse carrying an unfair share of our responsibilities, I can pray with him and take responsibility for my part. My obedience to Christ may look like getting up and actually helping. The same principle applies to leadership. If I’ve repeatedly asked the same dependable person to take on more, caring for them may mean changing what I ask of them.
Love Includes Repentance and Truth
Loving people the Jesus way also requires honesty about the pain we cause. Sometimes the need in front of us is connected to our own behavior.
Imagine your spouse or child says, “When you look at your phone while I’m talking, I don’t feel valued. It seems like what I’m saying doesn’t matter.”
You may feel misunderstood because you were checking something important. Slowing down gives you room to consider the impact of your actions before defending your intentions.
A response shaped by the gospel might sound like this:
“I can see how I’ve communicated that. I’m sorry. Let me put this away and give you my attention.”
When we acknowledge what we did and put the phone away, the other person can see what repentance looks like in that moment. The same humility matters when someone we lead tells us we interrupted them or dismissed a concern. How we respond can affect whether they feel able to speak honestly with us again.
Jesus also teaches us to examine ourselves before focusing on another person’s faults (Matthew 7:3–5). Before assuming we know why someone is hurt, we can ask whether something we’re doing today is contributing to it.
We can take someone’s hurt seriously while discerning how to respond. Some situations call for a truthful conversation, a necessary boundary, or wise outside support. We approach those conversations as fellow disciples who also need grace.
Learning to Love Without Keeping Score
It’s easy for care to become an unspoken exchange. “I will do this for you so you will do that for me.” When the expected response doesn’t come, resentment grows.
Jesus teaches us to serve from a heart shaped by His love. We can ask for help, speak honestly about what we need, and discuss responsibilities that should be shared. We can also examine whether our kindness has become a way to secure approval, affection, or control.
We can appreciate the care someone offers while discussing what still needs attention. We can forgive and still do the work of rebuilding trust.
Over time, these choices help us love more faithfully. The patience to hear a concern, the humility to admit where we’ve fallen short, and the willingness to follow through are formed in ordinary moments. We practice them with our spouse, our children, and our friends, and we bring those same habits to the people we lead.
An Invitation to Practice Today
Think of someone close to you. It might be your spouse, one of your children, a close friend, or someone on your team that you lead. When was the last time you asked how they were doing and left enough room to hear something you didn’t already know?
Choose a moment when neither of you is rushing. Put away distractions and ask a sincere question. Listen, thank them for sharing, and consider what meaningful support could look like. If they aren’t ready to talk, give them room and return to the invitation gently another time.
Perhaps you’ll discover a burden you can help carry. Perhaps you’ll recognize something you need to confess. Perhaps what they need today is your unhurried presence.
For those of us who lead and care for others, making time for our marriage, our family, and close friendships is part of living faithfully in the responsibilities God has given us. These relationships need our attention in demanding seasons, when it’s easy to assume the people who know us best will understand why we’re distracted. Through the Holy Spirit’s work in us, the mercy, humility, truth, and love we have received from Christ can become visible in how we respond to the people we live with, work alongside, and lead.
Questions for Personal Prayerful Reflection
Who close to me have I stopped asking how they’re really doing? What have I been assuming about them?
When someone shares something difficult, do I make room to understand, or do I move quickly toward correcting, defending, or fixing?
How are the demands of ministry affecting the people closest to me? What have I heard from them about this season?
When someone I lead raises a concern, how do I respond, especially when it involves a decision I made?
Is there something I need to confess, take responsibility for, or change in how I respond?
How can the grace, patience, and truth I have received from Jesus shape one practical response today?
A Conversation to Have This Week
Choose one person and make time to listen. You might ask either of these questions.
“What has been weighing on you lately that I may not have noticed?”
“What would help you feel supported as you walk through it?”
Thank them for sharing. If there’s something you can do, agree on one practical step and follow through.
A Closing Prayer
Lord Jesus, help me slow down enough to see the people closest to me. Keep familiarity from replacing curiosity. Give me ears to listen, humility to take responsibility, and compassion that moves me to act. Help me give my attention to the people I share my life with and make room to hear the people I lead. Teach me to love them faithfully, as You have loved me. In Your name Jesus, Amen.
— Paola Hall, Co-founder of Preserved International | Therismos Gospel Project
